Little Robert asked his mother for two cents."What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly."Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。“你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her.
"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair."
我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外的树上垒了个窝。
“我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。
“那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗？”我姐姐鼓励她道。
“哦，老师，就像你的头发一样。”
I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied-"Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue!"
(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。句中 Cause是 Because的缩略形式。
“我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。
“是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？”
“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal- As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said,"Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"
上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口，一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚，仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眉，说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗？”
Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
--他真是一个大人物。干什么的？
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering."Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。
这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”
英语笑话（四）my little dog can't read
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！
史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！
布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”
英语笑话（五）Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
--对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。
英语笑话（六）The mean man's party.
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said,"Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Well, gosh," was the reply,"You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”
“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。
1. NO LITTER-请保持环境整洁，不要乱扔杂物。
2. NO DUMPING HERE-此处严禁倒垃圾。
3. NO SPITTING-请不要随地吐痰，保持卫生。
4. NO QUEUE-JUMPING-请遵守排队秩序，不要插队。
5. CAUTION-注意安全，此处可能存在危险。
6. NO ADMITTANCE EXCEPT ON BUSINESS-非工作人员请勿入内。
7. WAIT OFF THE LINE-请在线外等候。
8. KEEP OFF THE GRASS-请勿践踏草坪，保护绿化。
9. NO ENTRY WITHOUT A PASS-未经许可，禁止入内。
10. WET PAINT-油漆未干，请勿触摸。
11. FULL HOUSE-当前已满员，请稍后再来。
12. SOLD OUT-抱歉，商品已售罄。
13. ON SALE-正在进行促销活动，欢迎选购。
14. EMERGENCY EXIT-紧急出口，在此方向。
15. REPAIR IN PROGRESS-施工进行中，请勿打扰。
16. NO CYCLING-禁止自行车通行，以确保安全。
17. UNDER REPAIR-前方道路施工，请减速慢行。
18. NO OVER TAKING-禁止超车，请保持车距。
19. PEDESTRIANS ONLY-步行街，请勿骑行。
20. HANDLE WITH CARE-小心轻放，以免损坏。
21. FRAGILE-易碎物品，请小心搬运。
22. GLASS(WITH CARE)-小心玻璃，避免破碎。
23. HAZARDOUS GOODS-危险物品，请勿触摸。
24. EXPLOSIVES-易爆物品，远离火源。
25. POISON-有毒物品，请勿误食。
26. RADIOACTIVE SUBSTANCE-放射性物质，请勿靠近。
27. GUARD AGAINST DAMP-注意防潮，避免受潮。
28. KEEP DRY-保持干燥，防止损坏。
29. STOW IN COOL PLACE-宜存放在阴凉处。
30. KEEP FLAT-保持平放，以免变形。
31. KEEP UPRIGHT-请勿倒置，保持物品稳定。
32. STAND ON END-直立放置，以免压坏。
33. DO NOT CRUSH-请勿挤压，以免损坏。
34. KEEP IN DARK PLACE-放置于干燥阴暗处。
35.公交专用道-公交车优先，其他车辆请避让。
36. BUSES ONLY-专用停车位，仅供公交车使用。
37. AUTHORIZED CARS ONLY-特定车辆专用，未经允许不得停车。
38. POLICE CARS ONLY-警车专用停车位，其他车辆禁止使用。
39. ARROW ONLY-请按指示方向行驶。
40. MEMBERS ONLY-会员俱乐部，非会员请勿入内。
41. DISTINGUISHED GUESTS ONLY-贵宾专用，谢绝无关人员进入。
42. OVERTAKING ONLY-此车道仅供超车使用。
43. NO OVERTAKING ON BRIDGE-桥上禁止超车，确保行车安全。
44. NO FISHING-禁止垂钓，保护水域生态。
45. NO SPITTING-请不要随地吐痰，维护公共卫生。
46. NO PARKING-禁止停车，以免堵塞交通。
47. NO PARKING DAY OR NIGHT-无论昼夜，均禁止停车。
48. NO RUNNING ALLOWED-请勿在此处奔跑，以免发生意外。
49. NO DUMPING-禁止在此处倾倒垃圾，保持环境整洁。
50. NO LEFT/RIGHT TURN-禁止左/右转，遵守交通规则。
以上是对原有内容的修改润色，错误已纠正，时态和语义均进行了调整，以提升内容质量并保持条理清晰。
1、One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living.The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree.The city man said to the farmer,"I see that your pig likes apples, but isn't that quite a waste of time?"The farmer replied,"What's time to a pig?"
2、一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?"那位农夫回答说，"时间对猪有什么意义?"
3、Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor. The doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
4、"Boss", he said,"The pill actually worked!"
5、"That's all fine." said the boss,"But where were you yesterday?"
6、Tom早上老起不来，所以上班总是迟到。他的老板非常生气，警告他如果他不能有所改善的话就炒他的鱿鱼。于是，Tom去看医生，医生给了他一颗药丸并告诉他要在睡觉前服下这颗药。Tom照医生的话做了，睡得非常之好，事实上，他在早上闹钟响之前就起来了。Tom从容不迫地吃完早餐，然后兴高采烈地开车上班去了。
7、“老板”，Tom说，“那药真管用，我的睡眠好极了！”
8、“是够管用的，”老板说，“问题是，昨天你人哪去了”？
9、Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office."Boss," he says," We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.""We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies." I can't give you the day off.""Thanks, boss," says Smith,"I knew I could count on you!"
10、一天，史密斯去见他的客户部领导，“老板”，斯密斯说，“我们家明天要大搞清洁，我老婆需要我回去帮忙清洁阁楼和车库，搬搬挪挪什么的。”“斯密斯啊，你也知道，我们现在人手已经不够了”老板说，“明天的假我是没法给你批了”。“多谢老板，” Smith说，“我就知道跟着您干准没错”。
11、One day a father was teaching his son and said,"The keys to your success are keeping your word and cleverness. Once you give somebody a promise, you must carry it out no matter what will happen. This is called'keeping one's words.'
12、"What is cleverness?" asked his son.
13、"Cleverness is that you'll never make such a promise," the father answered.
14、一天，父亲教育儿子说：“一个人成功的关键就是严守诺言和足够聪明。一旦你给了别人承诺，无论发生什么事，你都得实现它，这个就叫‘守诺言’。”
15、儿子问：“那么什么是聪明呢？”
16、父亲回答：“聪明就是任何时候都别做这样的承诺。”
17、One day a boy came to his teacher and said:“Teacher, my father wants to know if you like roast pig.”“I certainly do,”said the teacher,“and you tell your father he is very kind to think of me.” Days passed, and nothing more was said about the roast pig. Finally the teacher said to the boy:“I thought your father was going to send me over some roast pig.”“Yes,” said the boy,“he did intend to, but the pig got well.”
18、一天有个男孩去对他老师说：“老师，我爸想知道你是不是爱吃烤猪肉。”“当然。”老师说，“去告诉你父亲，多谢他想着我。”好几天过去了，再没提起烤猪肉的事儿。最后老师对男孩说：“我以为你父亲要给我送点烤猪肉来呢。”“是啊，”孩子说，“他是这么想的，可后来猪又没病了。”
19、老师在黑板上写了一句：Time is money.并让同学们翻译。有名学生答道：“汤姆是玛丽。”
20、小明上英文课时跟老师说：May I go to the toilet?
21、小明就坐了下来。过了一会儿，小明又跟老师说：May I go to the toilet?
22、小明又坐了下来。他旁边的同学于是忍不住问：你不是跟老师说要上厕所吗？怎么不去
23、小明说：你没听老师说「去你个头」啊！
24、某日刘洪涛遇到外宾，上前搭话曰：I am hongtao liu，外宾曰：我TM还是方片七呢！
25、江青会见外宾，要求翻译要严格按她的意思翻，不许走样。外宾一见到江青，立刻拍马屁道："Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful."翻译照翻，江青心花怒放，嘴上还要谦虚一下：“哪里，哪里”。
26、翻译不敢怠慢，把江青的话翻成英文："Where? Where?"外宾一愣，还有这样的人，追问哪里漂亮的，干脆马屁拍到底："Everywhere, everywhere."
27、翻译：“你到处都很漂亮。”江青更高兴了，但总是要客气一下：“不见得，不见得”。翻译赶紧翻成英文："You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see."
28、某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞，忙说：I am sorry.
29、某人听后又道：I am sorry three.
30、老外不解，问：What are you sorry for?
31、某人无奈，道：I am sorry five.
32、一位来自日本的旅客，坐出租车去机场的路上，看到一辆汽车经过，就说：“oh，TOYOTA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”又有一辆经过，他又说：“oh，NISSAN！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”司机有点不高兴，觉得他太吵了！当第三辆经过时，他还是说：“oh，HONDA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”
33、后来到了机场，那个日本人就问：“How Much？”出租车司机说：“1000！”
34、日本人惊奇的问司机：“为什么那么贵？”出租车司机回答说：“oh，mileometer（计程表）！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”
35、英语老师问一个学生，“How are you是什么意思”
36、学生想how是怎么，you是你，于是回答“怎么是你？”
37、老师生气又问另一个同学：“How old are you?是什么意思？”
38、这个同学想了想说：“怎么老是你。”
39、某男，粗通英文，至使馆，有表要填，有一栏是sex。
40、该男思之久已，毅然下笔：“Once a week“。
41、签证官观后暴笑，曰：“This item should be filled in with male or female.“
42、该男顿时赧颜，思之，填下“female“，官楞之，曰：“shouldn’t it be male?“
43、男急释曰：“I am a normal man, so I have sex with female.”
